Thursday, September 29, 2005
A letter I just wrote to my two mentors on the Uganda grant:
I had kind of a tough night tonight - I sat down with [a thesis I'm using] and was actually reading it, but then was overcome by fear. It's really crazy -- every time I sit down with this stuff (even before I was working on the grant) I become paralyzed with not just the enormity of the AIDS crisis, but the fear that I will waste my life and not be able to do anything about it. And then I notice that I'm freaking out, and become freaked out about THAT and am further convinced that I will always be useless because I will always freak out like this. It's counterproductive, of course. I don't know if it's spiritual warfare or severe neurosis or what.
But as I was freaking out, my roommate pointed out that often God wants us to keep trying EVEN IF we are freaking out and we think we'll fail.
When she said this, I got angry at God (well I had been angry at God before truthfully), and then quickly I realized that I was actually angry at this dark cloud of fear and lies and whatever part of me was struggling AGAINST God in this. So, whatever I do toward the grant will be against this part and towards God. At this stage, whether or not I get the grant is not my concern, because working on it is what God would like me to do.
I know that this is what you have both been telling me. It's been really hard to hear, because most of the time I feel so depressed and insane about the whole thing, but every once in a while I get a moment of semi-clarity about it (like this). I could really use your prayers this week, and I thank you so much for all the prayers up until now.
Thank you both again for everything and for being patient with me. I just wanted to e-mail to tell you this because... because.
~Roselyn
p.s. not that it matters, but I'm still pretty convinced that I don't have the spiritual, psychological, intellectual etc etc capacity for this.
I had kind of a tough night tonight - I sat down with [a thesis I'm using] and was actually reading it, but then was overcome by fear. It's really crazy -- every time I sit down with this stuff (even before I was working on the grant) I become paralyzed with not just the enormity of the AIDS crisis, but the fear that I will waste my life and not be able to do anything about it. And then I notice that I'm freaking out, and become freaked out about THAT and am further convinced that I will always be useless because I will always freak out like this. It's counterproductive, of course. I don't know if it's spiritual warfare or severe neurosis or what.
But as I was freaking out, my roommate pointed out that often God wants us to keep trying EVEN IF we are freaking out and we think we'll fail.
When she said this, I got angry at God (well I had been angry at God before truthfully), and then quickly I realized that I was actually angry at this dark cloud of fear and lies and whatever part of me was struggling AGAINST God in this. So, whatever I do toward the grant will be against this part and towards God. At this stage, whether or not I get the grant is not my concern, because working on it is what God would like me to do.
I know that this is what you have both been telling me. It's been really hard to hear, because most of the time I feel so depressed and insane about the whole thing, but every once in a while I get a moment of semi-clarity about it (like this). I could really use your prayers this week, and I thank you so much for all the prayers up until now.
Thank you both again for everything and for being patient with me. I just wanted to e-mail to tell you this because... because.
~Roselyn
p.s. not that it matters, but I'm still pretty convinced that I don't have the spiritual, psychological, intellectual etc etc capacity for this.
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